Welcome to my first blog post. This has been a long time coming. This will probably be a collection of fleeting thoughts, my perspective on various topics, and brain dumps when I feel like I have too much on my mind. For one reason or another, I have been putting off starting a blog - may it be because when I start spending more than a couple of minutes thinking about the idea, I realize it may not be worth my time or because I think no one will gain anything from this other than myself. And you know what - that’s okay. Because yes - right now, I could be writing unit tests, and maybe I should be. But sometimes, the best things in life come from acting on something you “have a good feeling about,” as my friend Anand likes saying.

Today’s topic is relationships. I am your classic social butterfly. People know me as the guy who knows everyone. If a friend wants to learn about someone they don’t know too well - they reach out to me as a point of reference. I state this not as a flex. This is a byproduct of something I love doing - socializing. However, this love of meeting as many people as possible has come to my detriment. For as long as I can remember, I have been everyone’s friend. In ninth grade, after becoming class Vice President, I felt the need to be everyone’s friend and uphold a professional standard more than ever. This meant I tried not to become too close with the friends I made and ran away from romantic relationships. I didn’t want to publicly display affection or have a falling out with anyone - only for the drama that would ensue afterward to jeopardize my chances of being nominated for an officer position the following year or for my fellow classmates to respect me less for something that was out of my control. And since then - for better or worse, that’s been how I have socialized. One might have said I was a “floater.”

When I left my charter school for TAMS in 10th grade, that was the end of most of those charter school relationships - relationships I had kindled over the seven years I was at the school through extracurricular sports, class leadership organizations, and more. When I came to TAMS, my priorities changed. In the weeks leading up to my first semester at TAMS, I would have nightmares about failing. I had no idea what to expect - all I knew was I would be in a school with some of the brightest kids in Texas. When I got to TAMS, gone was the priority of upholding a professional standard, and in was the desire to maintain a 4.0 so I could survive TAMS and hopefully make it to a good college. And once again, I thought I’d be a floater. But this time, I didn’t want to be. I wanted to find that group I vibed with.

However, just in the first week during Fall Orientation, it seemed like many of the kids from Houston, and Dallas knew each other, and there were pre-established cliques. I’m not saying I couldn’t integrate myself into one of these groups - it was more than the things they talked about, and their extracurricular interests were not aligned with the opportunities I had access to at my former school. Honestly, this was probably a bs excuse - but to some degree, I felt like the effort I would have to put in to integrate myself as one of the members of these groups wouldn’t be worth it, especially since the people within these groups had been friends with each other for several years.

Even then - my two years at TAMS turned out much better than I initially expected. The “TAMS Experience,” as many call that two-year period was 110% worth it and was undoubtedly the best two years of my life. However, when it came to my social life, although I tried not to be a floater and wasn’t for my first year there, eventually, the group that I thought was my group crumbled due to drama and breakups (note: I was usually the mediator and most of this drama was unrelated to me lol). Once again, in my senior year, I became a floater. At that point, with college apps and all the random things that take up one’s time in senior year of high school, I could care less and made it through - focused on that 4.0.

Fast forward two years and some to today, and I’m less of a floater today - partially because I have actively pushed not to be one every semester. But this has led to another issue. As someone who strongly believes in the philosophy that relationships can be broken within the time it takes one to snap their fingers but take years of work to maintain, I’ve found it incredibly difficult to let go of relationships (note: most of these relationships are referring to platonic relationships) - even ones where I’ve seen the potential but it’s been a one-sided thing. Relationships are a two-way street - obviously. But when I think back to all of the moments that have made those relationships (in my opinion) strong, it’s hard to let go of them. It’s frustrating to think all of that was for nothing. As I scroll through Instagram and come across college graduation or wedding reels, I start thinking about life’s biggest moments and wonder who I would invite to such occasions as every few months, it seems like my closest friends become a different set of people (with some outliers who are the real ones haha).

While I still enjoy meeting as many people as possible, I’ve realized I want to deprioritize my drive to network and connect with every person in the world and prioritize investing in building deep, meaningful relationships. Relationships with those with whom I can share my highest and lowest moments - as I’ve realized that those moments don’t hold much value if I’m not able to share them with people I care about. Relationships with those with whom I want to take crazy, spontaneous trips worldwide. Relationships with those with whom I don’t mind staying FaceTiming till the sunrise because we have so much in common but can also talk for hours about the most random things.

So at the end of the day, I’ve realized that being a floater isn’t all that bad. Being a floater is a transitory phase - maybe one of introspection, as I drop what I thought were long-term relationships and find myself - something that may help me find my lifelong people or my next set of long-term relationships. Anyways, that’s a wrap for this one. See you the next time I reflect on some random aspect of my life - which, as it turns out, is pretty often.